doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
