There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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