don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
