There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
