ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
