i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
