She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
