In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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