it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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