she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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