i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
