Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
