I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I stole a fireplace last night.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
