the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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