I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
