Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
