I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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