Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
