My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
