Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
