I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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