Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
