What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
