i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
