I wish I only lived at night.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
