I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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