It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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