I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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