First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
