dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
