the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
