Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
