thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
