I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
We smell like vodka and hangover
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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