I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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