just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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