Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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