I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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