dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
