he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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