we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
