I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
