Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
