my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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