I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
