Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I would ride that face into the sunset
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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