I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
