Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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