i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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