Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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